kaseh ibu ( " ,)

11th December 2008

lately,
at 35weeks, i thought a lot about mama.
about all that she has done raising me and making the best out of what i can become.

its the hormones i know,
but every time that it gets harder and harder to even sleep, i think of what it was like when mama was carrying me..

syurga di bawah tapak kaki ibu...

its a term most known but rarely understood
somehow its now that i finally get it.

being pregnant is all about sharing
and giving life to a family we are building,

him as the husband will try to ease
all that he can afford to support the process

but its the mother that sacrifices the most..

she smiles deeper when happy things happens to me,
because she carried me and she knows by heart
that i am really happy

she cries louder when my heart is broken,
because she carried me and knows by heart
that it really hurts

and she weeps even further when i am sick,
because she carried me and knows by heart how pathetic i must feel,
being vulnerable with such disease

regrets i also have now,
of all those times i had
arguments and disagreements throughout finding wht's life...

way back when i couldn't understand
why she didn't understand me

all those times she said no to what i want
and all those curses that made her cry

regrets i already had
when i was away
i was upNorth to study and discovered it then

here i was fighting with mama
when there were those who didn't know their mums

here i was disagreeing with mama
when there were those who never met their mothers

im thankful for these regrets
that feel now,
since i still have mama to apologize
my doa's and hugs are much tighter everytime
and hope her health will be forever fine...

kaseh ibu...yes mama now i get it

when love is simply lost...

26th November 2008

i couldn't find a rhyme, a rhythm of such,
to write this love that is simply thrown,
between the two that have grown so much,
for all these years now its just bygones.

i couldn't find a clue, a hint of such,
to hear this love that is simply crush,
between the two that i will miss so much,
oh i just think this is all such a rush.

i couldn't find a reason, a matter of such,
to deal this love that is simply lost,
but to me no cries will come that much,
for this is not the first to feel this loss.

to both of u i dedicate this crap,
herself, myBlood and all the rest,
i guess this chapter can go to wrap,
i guess what matters will clear this mess.

tinggal kenangan- taken during our engagement, 07 07 07

"akak ada membership card?"

19th November 2008

been counting the number of weeks till its 40 that as i was typing the date today, i realised its been 9 months being 29. which means another 3 months to enjoy it till the BIG 30. this is not the center of wht im about to crap about today people! he he he he..

ever cleared up your wallet to find so many membership cards?
jgn cakap la pasal membership card to me, the idea of cleaning it up only occur, when it is suddenly bulky semacam..ha ha ha...

wtf is a membership card u ask? alar, u knw

"kumpul-point-discount-on-certain-item/certain-season - FREE membership" card that i believe is intended to pull customers back into their stores, then at every month/3months/half a year u'll get catalogs of gifts u can exchange with the points accumulated

(tho looking at the puny points collected so far, punah terus harapan membuak buak to get that new oven, tvPlasma, vacum...etc etc...hehehehehe)

before i got married, i only had the basics of membership card- bonuslink card (mostly guna when filling minyak, shopping kat parkson) , Mr Read (plusSize store but not a member anymore, forgot to renew, causing me to shop another RM800 in a single receipt in order to become a member balik (not gonna happend darling..hehehe) MPH (yep, am a big book collector, and am trying to make sure i finish reading most of it. hehehehe) and MAS Enrich Card (am now a proud owner of silver card, thanks to those frequent flying to geneva)

nw expecting a child, i have now added a few more
(and the deals have gotten even crazier k!) :

(i) anakku - to be a member i had to pay RM10. this has no particular discounts wth so ever just accumulate points for exchange of gifts, but they offer special price for membership customer. I love those gurls working at anakku alamanda and 'angah' at anakku bangi that has so far made my membership of RM10 worth it..
he he he he..

(ii) manjaku - nw this store is huge in bangi and i am a proud member of this RM3-to-be-a-membership card (cheap!! i knw) the tawaran memang hebat : discounts of up to 30% on items in manjaku
(looking high above the store, not noticing the small typed add syarat-syarat).
and so happily i got one, only to find out that the 30% is only for them white price tags, which most was in yellow, and get this, only valid to use (and membership given) to those who are pregnant. bole! i left that store feeling a bit ripped off la.. by the time the baby comes, out goes the card..

(iii) mothercare - since i started buying baby stuff in october, the gurls at mothercare alamanda kept reminding me to keep my receipts because of this offer to become a membership for those who have spent a minimum of RM500 within these next few months.
(highlighting of course that by jan 09, it will go up to RM800) and since i already been keeping receipts to see hw much i spent, i thought wht the hell, keep that at the back of my head.

few days ago , i calculated and have actually spent close to Rm495 and boi bersemangat nyer i was for my next mothercare visit.

yesterday i was in KLCC after a talk in ISIS and decided wht the hell, let's get myself out of this misery and buy something to get this freakin card.. he he he...(see the obsession ive become?)

i finally did get the card and the conditions that came with it is- im given special discounts on every item i buy, get to be first in line for special offers and cutDown items and them catalogs that will come to update me (of course to buy somemore la kan), however, this card is only valid for one year, and in order to maintain membership, i have to make sure i have an accumulated 1000 points by december 2009. ah crappp...maintaining membership ni yg i fail ni...

Even the pharmacy in bangi i usually visit to buy my monthly dosage of insulin, recently offered me a membership card after the 3rd month i walked in her store,
she's giving me a good offer for the baby thermometer and will get that in December..yeay.

anyways, membership cards have made me obsessed and left me cheated all at the same time.
and the worst, is when i shop in stores without any points/discounts anything accumulated for..akan ada satu rasa sesal.. bole!

walhal, its not like the points that i do actually accumulate will get me the things they offer in the catalog, which of course comes the next question, do i really need those things?

it will of course take me months even years and please lets not forget the deadline to achieve them blardy points. (valid for a years worth of accumulating points! WTF!)
and of course the stupid RM1 = 1 point crap..buerrrggghh.

i am officially obsessed with membership cards!

anymore membership card i should get? ( " , )
he he he

nampak gemuk ke nampak pregnant??

29th october 2008

"alamak.... apakah nampak lebih gemuk atau lebih preggie??!"

my fav question lately every time i manage to look myself in the mirror. ( " ,)
im in my 29th week of holding my belly up high with the least make up ever..kih kih kih .
for every 'wind' that comes out (both ways, sorry yg..) and the back pain that i feel, im loving it and i come close to tears every time i feel the kicks and head banging down there..

the sickness is no more just in the evening..it comes whenever it pleases..its still very embarrassing to go "uweeeeekkk" outloud in the elevator filled with people, but hell...its all for the good of the baby

im at that stage at just wearing anything that still fits, and so malas to even think of shopping for myself...(beware : if u see me in the streets with terrible buruk colour coordination, do not panic, im fine, just bit lazy but fine..( " ,)

other changes in me :

(i) i have very nipis hair before, but not anymore...its long, full volumed and so every morning i do the 'my-hair-looks-good, jgn-jelesss' pose depan cermin..muahahahaha... (tapi crap aah, i heard this will only last as long as the pregnancy period..aiyooo)

(ii) kadang kadang i get really rajin, to the extend, i wipe habuk in my house and even menyapu (wtf!!) then there are other times nak masuk kan baju dlm tong baju pun so the malas..hahaha

(iii) i tend to doze off in my sofa sejurus selepas dinner..right now sleeping sideways in that sofa is the best pose ever

(iv) oh i so miss tidur meniarap....now its sideways, with a book/hp/aircond controller in my hand

(v) lately i have this craving for nasi putih, ayam percik and ulam ulaman...mmmmm...ulam yg served with nasi kerabu tu...wow! syokk

next thing to do, shopping for the baby...list dah ada, tinggal nak separate mana bole dipinjam dulu (thnx kakLong! mmuahs) mana bole di delay dulu ( he he thnks j for the advice ) and mana harus dibeli right now (main thng is jadi a membership of anakku, dpt discount..hehehe)

oh any tips to sooth the backPain?

environmentally aware Karee??

16th Oct 2008

i dunt need a theme, a celebration to raise my awareness to save energy and the environment, but i was touched by small kids that ellen Dgeneres brings on to her show, as small as 6 year olds, who knows how to recycle, spread the love and care for the environment.

im a malaysian, and like any other typical malaysian, its hard to be seen (ok very rare), in my opinion (oh please dont shoot the messanger..hehe), to be environmentally conscious. i mean just look at the mess we do after a pasar malam nite? i mean yes, most of us will go "oh someone will clean it up" which eventually does, but hw about those idiots that throw rubbish so elegantly outside their car? oh and not forgetting the open fire? oh and the worst, those "dilarang membuang sampah" signage filled with sampah all around it, like malaysian deliberately want to be seen as pengotor. aishh..

well its always easy to point at other people, happily not noticing that for every one finger pointed, there are the rest pointing back at us. and so this question i pose to myself.
am i environmentally aware AND doing something about this?

here's my bit to the environment :

(i) i save energy at the office, half of my room is glass windowed, so i open the blinds and get all the light from outside.

(ii) whenever i 'tapau' food up to my room, i dunt wrap it with a plastic bag (because i already feel bad using polystyrene.

(iii) i give the look to drivers who i catch throwing rubbish out their windows. ( " ,). rafek hates that i do this, fear i might start a fight..haha

(iv) i only flush right after number two (my number one when it has already reached the level of "busuknyeeee" hahaha

(v) everytime i buy just one or two items at 7eleven, i dunt ask them to put in the plastic beg, i just carry them.

(vi) we buy refilled shower cream

(vii) we share our shower?? ha ha ha we tried, but easily distracted la and realized we spend more time compared to bathing alone..kah kah kah...

(viii) i send my dry cleans after wearing it twice

(viiii) i sleep with the least clothing that i can and only have one light on for the whole house

(x) i off the thermos that heats water every morning after making rafek's coffee, and later that day, refill it in the fridge (no reboiling).

and so its relatively little, the things i do.
at least its something, right?
its a start
(ha ha just nak sedapkan hati i la ni..haha)

26th july 2005

14th october 2008

i was cleaning up boxes in my office, and i came across my old black book, my little book where i use to write my thoughts..
one in particular, really made me smile in sadness...
oh hw depressed i was back then (thank god it was back then! hehe)

im not so sure whether this was for a person i was involved with, almost falling out, or the uncertainty of things during those times....
but its just plain beautiful...
enjoy


"sometimes
its about the way i look at things
how i'd imagine it to start
or hoped it never end

sometimes
its about the story behind the event
or the glory that was never meant
to announce and then prevent
all that was never meant

sometimes
its the way the question is being asked
or the person we hope would last


most times
its the way he made you feel
or the nites you spent unreal

maybe i'm a drifter
who wonders it all
who carries it all

maybe, sometimes....."

another numb moment

26th August 2008

its a buzy week towards september 2008, but hell iLL just blog a bit.
its been a while since i had a numb moment. i think the last was that one week of waiting if my baby will survive or not...

im worried sick about one thing right now, and its the level of prolactin in my blood that recently my doc discovered. supposedly just a normal sugar and hormone level tests, ended up making me worried as hell (and still am!!!!)

my level of prolactin has sky rocketed..
prolactin is something found at the base of the brain. is usually low in men and nonpregnant women. this is because its role is to promote lactation aka breast milk production.. so if i am pregnant right now , its normal to have such high prolactin. thing is... im not...
and worst, since im not, an elevated prolactin may b because there is a probability i have a growing tumor in my body, and yes particularly in the brain..(oh crap)..

since the doc im meeting is not my gynie, she couldnt really point out what is causing the prolactin level to be so high, but she listed the probabilities, which again, made me feel numb and hopeless

- since my period only came after 4 months after my last d n c, she is thnking, i might just had a second miscarriage and if that is true, then it is NORMAL for the prolactin to be that high at this moment, and advice me to hurriedly go for a second d n c.

-during my pregnancy, they found a small cyst near the fetus but since it was too small, they didnt remove it, and after the d n c, they couldnt see it anymore. this i could relate to the next probability of the high level of prolactin, polycystic ovary syndrome. this is a situation where i have incomplete dev of grafian follicles in the ovary, and may result to multiple cysts near the ovary. If untreated, it will damage the tissues around it.

-hypothyroidism. mm this one too doesnt seem like it, she checked my neck to see if there were any sign of swollen near there, and further demand i go for further checkups (hence she cucuk me some more for blood sample..geeeezzz)

- drugs: she asked me if i am taking any sort of antidepressant, estrogen sort of drug because this too can trigger the high level of prolactin and this is definitely out.

-kidney disease : another prob i dunt want to slash off just yet, even tough my urine colour is fine

- anorexia nervosa :MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..definitely not! (dalam numbness ni, harus gelak besar jugak..kih kih kih )

- other pituitary tumor (oh crap)

- brain tumor (this one hit me the most!) symptoms are almost there,slight dizziness and blurry in the eyes...aiyoo

so here i am, another numb moment. Im due for another appointment this saturday, then if more numbness news comes (nauzzubillah, jauhkanlah ya Allah ya tuhanku) im going for a second opinion...and might do other tests, MRI to scan the brain, FSH and LH to evaluate the ovulation and fertility and eye examination to evaluate visual disturbance.

Im still smiling, still wondering why the hell i can be so obsessed over certain things, as well becoming to like even deeper the lirics and paintings of joniMitchell..and i will always keep in my heart like wht yg said, "kita jgn putus asa, kita ikhtiar apa yg boleh"

but then again, that is my life,
full of jgn putus asa, and ikhtiar apa yg boleh...
mmmmm...

both sides now..

the great joni mitchell

the first time ive heard of joni mitchell was actually in europe when being there for 12 days in a busTour with other tourists, a canadian gurl told me about her. She was comparing her to another popular canadian artist (oh crap forgotten her), while me, i was so Alanis i forget all about joni.

thne it popped up again in the movie 'love, actually' about the wife and the husband's loveStory, and that she found a lovely necklace in his pocket, all hyped out that it was her Christmas present, only later found out that she gotten the latest joni mitchell album instead.

although she was a great fan of joni, and very thoughtful of him to actually and finally get her something she would really like and treasure (instead of scarfs she would never wear..haha typical), the damage has been done.
As the children and the husband waited for her to attend a christmas show in the living room, she went up to her room , put on the joni album and cried all by herself. it took her just minutes to get herself together, and move on like everything was ok.

later in the story, she did finally confront him, and its the way she did it, that u'd know, she has questioned something she believed in so much ...
and how she feels love has been around has always been around, and yet it betrayed and confuse her...
in the end, she stayed.. because it is Love, actually..

'both sides now' by joni mitchell is one of the soundtrack from that motion picture. I can relate to the lirics, because at some point of my life, i seen love this way too. Ive witnessed how love have betrayed me, crushed me and at some point made me the flavour of the weak.
But looking at it both sides, ive also looked at love, as a fresh new air, the next best thing, the one that will be standing there, if not forever, just as long as my life would lead..
Ive also learned that for every happiness door that closes on me in the past, i waited in front of it too long, i missed the other doors that were opening for me.
good thing i finally did knock on the right one. ( " ,)

(enjoy!)

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons evrywhere
Ive looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on evryone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

Ive looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its cloud illusions I recall
I really dont know clouds at all

Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As evry fairy tale comes real
Ive looked at love that way

But now its just another show
You leave em laughing when you go
And if you care, dont let them know
Dont give yourself away

Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall I really dont know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
Ive looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say Ive changed
Well somethings lost, but somethings gained
In living evry day

Ive looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all

Ive looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all


22nd August 2008

oh harus aku puji JPN

1st August 2008

and so i lost my atm card (in cambodia to be exact).
inilar padah tak mau dengar cakap mama, when she said to leave all non usable cards so the wallets gets thin, i taknak dengar..aiyoo

anyways, ive had my atm card since 2002 so its actually been a while. and so after one meeting, i tried my luck to just go to the nearest bank and get over it..
got the forms ready, met the officer in charge, she even offerred me a cherry like card with visa sticker on it, for better, wider usage
(dengan muka terpegun terus accept.hahaha)..

then she asked for my ic to scan through, she tried a number of times, but no data came out.she took an eraser and started using it on the chip, to clean it up i guess
(kutla i guna to scratch things ke..ewww) and still nothing came out.

at last she told "kak, ic kak ni takleh nak baca la, kak kena betulkan dulu ic ni, baru bole dpt atm kad ni " CRAAAAPPPPPPP

it was 12.30 pm by then, almost lunch time, tho JPN (JABATAN PENDAFTARAN NEGARA) putrajaya was just a block away, i was contemplating.. nak pergi ke tak..nak pergi ke tak..??..mmmm

so loads went through my head -

(i) ah crap (of course most current and frequent phrase used..haha)
(ii) oh man, sure JPN ramai giler babeng orng (imagining few counter on the ground floor, with only 2 counter opens, and a line, so long, it goes round the block..crap crapp)
(iii)bukak ke JPN ni, ni da nak dekat lunchTime ni..
(iv)duit 100USD ada lagi sekeping dalam wallet, kalau tukar ni tahan lagi seminggu dua ni ..lalala
(v) parking..ada parking ke?
(vi) i ada member ke eh kat JPN (ha ha ha, nak guna tektik kotor potong line..haha)
(vii) ah crap sure siap lambat
(viii) lapar siut (nak lunch time kan..haha)

but amidts all that, i actually gagahkan diri untuk pergi jugak.

first round near the JPN Putrajaya, i terlepas the open parking space they provided next to the building.
(bukan terlepas ape, apparently this open parking space has no proper entry,
nampak side jalan cam run over a thousand times, ha tu la entrance nyer)

to my surprise, i masuk the building, there was no line, no counter at all,
ada la counter pertanyaan.
in my head im thinking eh salah masuk ke??
then i thought should i just ask him "nak buat ic kat mana" ke or tell him " i ada ic, tapi macam rosak, kat mana nak betulkan".
both sounded like idiotic questions, but i didnt have to, because just as i was approaching the counter, terpampang sign board, lengkap bersama arrow and all.

bahagian perkahwinan dan cerai aras 1
bahagian kad pengenalan aras 2
bahagian kerakyatan aras 3
and next to it was the elevator..wahhhh

and next to the elevator states JPN dibuka dari 7.30pg-5.30ptng, isnin hingga jumaat, dan DIBUKA WAKTU REHAT....double wahhhhhh

so i went up second floor, lengkap la all the signage, there was like 32 counters (16 on each sides) and the best part, NO LINE..wehooo
i pun pergila counter to get the calling number, and just sempat sms one msg to yang telling him half of my story, they called my number da...waah waah waaahh

then the next drama happened, they scanned my left thumb and within seconds the computer approve its match, the right thumb was a problem.
kesian the lady at the counter, numerous times, she adjusted my right thumb, trying to match. but it didnt
"kak takleh ke kalau terima ibu jari kiri je?" another stupid question of mine
" eh mana bole, ni kalau takleh nak baca ni, IC siap LAMBAT ni"
ah CRAAAAAaaaappp

then a light of hope came
" semalam pun macam ni jugak, ada la satu cina ni, ibu jari dya langsung tak bole baca, tapi last last dya cuba sendiri, bole pulak"
sedikit i terkinja kinja keseronokkan..hahaha

then another officer came, and he tried his luck..nope
then another came, sama jugak...thumping my thumb bertubi tubi (sambil lap lap dengan tisu..aiyoo) and still failed..
soon there was like 4 officer (i guess lunch time, and there was like no one else to entertain, so reramai la serbu ibu jari i..hahahaha)

the first lady repeated her earlier statement, crappp
" ni kalau tak bole ni, lama sikit la ic siap, dalam 2 minggu ke sebulan"
triple crapppppp disitu!!!

then just as about hope was fading, finally it could read, then of course the officer who did it, kept bragging saying things like " ha tu la, kena sabar dan pro dalam buat menda nie" ek eleh...kecoh

took a new picture
( i was wearing white tudung, so kena tukar, in which they provided, wangi and all),
and in a day., SIAP!!.
yeay...

so people out there still complaining about the govt counter service,
stop criticizing and assuming "business is as usual" for govt agencies,
before trying it ureself.
(ni reminder pada diri sendiri sebenarnya..haha)

even a govt officer like myself can get surprised!

good job JPN!!

cambodia to me..

28th July 2008

i cant believe its almost august and i still think its still early for 2008 to end.
ha ha ha

so i took the chance to go to Cambodia recently.
just a few days away from work, from the normal routine life, that sort of thing.

Cambodia is exactly how i imagined it. that was my first impression.
ive read so much about Cambodia, the 100 years they were under the french forces, the sufferings during the polPot times and now with the current struggles with Thai's at the borders, Cambodia has never gotten a break.

we went to the usual tourist attraction- floating village, angkor wat and them other temples, gemStone stores and markets. we manage to go to two places, Siem Reap and Pnomh Penh. one can see the huge different between those family who are doing really well (houses made of bricks as high as 3 floors) and those living on whtever they can get on that day ( wooden houses on high stilts looking like its ready to fall off).

what i thought would be just another time away from myReality, gave me a real shot of REALITY itself.

Cambodia to me has made me see that :

(i) id rather live in my 3room apartment with no garden to guling guling around, than living in a floating house with no walls, let alone furniture then worry as where to stay and wonder will my floating house will still be around during and after the raining season;

(ii) id rather be stuck in a jam and cursing the line at the toll, than be on a bumpy,dusty road with holes;

(iii) id rather fret about the exchange rate of Malaysian Ringgit, than realizing that American Dollars is more used in the country than your own currency;

(iv) id rather have a local degree, than learning english from the tourist i meet, the only way to educate myself;

(v) id rather have a small monthly income, than having a daily income that depends on me walking up and down the streets selling things for USD1;

Cambodia to me has made me love and hate my country. I love my country for its peace and prosperous land it is blessed with and hate the people in it that has shifted from working hard for the basic NEEDS to working hard for the basic DESIRES.

I'LL be a hypocrite if i say im not one of those people, and mind you, if us Malaysian dunt have the passion to compete and not have the drive to find a better life, i cant help but wonder if we will be any different than Cambodia?

oh itik..

7th July 2008.

dalam banyk banyk itik, itik apa yg tiba tiba muncul?

alar..
itik yang kenal si bibir merah
yg report b**tutnya telah kena digeledah
ramai yg tanya siapa yg geledah
semua seronok dengar ini budak mentah..

dalam banyk banyk itik, itik mana yang tiba tiba muncul semula?

alar...
itik yang skarang dok tuduh si bibir merah
yg suka sebut perkataan "sumpah"
ramai yg sokong, ramai juga menyampah
tiba- tiba pula si 'bala' menerpah

dalam banyak banyak itik, itik mana yg suka sumpah?

alar..
itik ini banyak mulut..
kejap mencarut kejap mengarut
mungkin itik ini banyk hisap cerut
atau mabuk sampai buncit perut

dalam banyak banyak itik, itik mana yang pandai senyap?

alar..
itik yg dulu orng cukup komen
tak pasti samada sedang tidur atau beromen
lately dya tak banyak komen
maybe taktik..or maybe betul "no comment"

dalam banyk banyk itik.....
oh pol-itik rupanya..
( " ,)

way back then....

life would be pretty
life would be great
if one had the opportunity
to be way back then...

no money
no worries,
no work
to make life empty

chocs and candies
were all in my tummy
my world is a lolli
between the four walls of family

the sweetness is best remembered
no matter how bitter it taste right now
the sweetness is love that rendered
no matter where it will lead me tomorrow

life is pretty
life is great
im sure i have the opportunity
to look way back then...

there is this wind......

there is this wind,
a change of wind,
between the blues,
the "other" blue, rocket and the moon

the blues was annoying,
with adverts that kept me swearing,
by stating what was obviously showing,
then went and expect a 2third winning

the other blue shocked the news,
the daughter ,the mother shut all their views,
i hope they keep their seats and crews,
and please leave daddy with his blues

the moon the rocket were not grouping,
but somehow now its the "pearl" they're owning,
the blues can only look with frowning
oh please dear sir, please get up from sleeping!!!!!!

there is a wind, a wake up call,
for this is what is called a fall,
although uve won, its still a crawl,
from what they have grab them all

there is this wind sir,
i hope its a stir,
i hope your awake from this slumber,
im on ure side, its a just a wonder,
just something for all of us to ponder..

about this wind.....there is this wind...

nothing.....

nothing like a good week's rest,
each day each hour i rest at best,
i tell my brain to stop those tests,
as i scream at myself " i need to rest!!!!!!!!"

nothing like a good week's sleep,
each day each hour i do not weep,
i tell my brain to not think deep,
of whatever that dares to come and leap...

nothing like a good week's off,
each day each hour i shut it off,
i tell my brain to just f***k off,
i really really need some sorta timeOff...

nothing like a good week of nothing,
each day each hour i still keep wondering,
but i tell my brain oh its just nothing,
though most times everything can mean nothing.........

curry

2Months of marriage, miscarriage and all in between...

3rd March 2008

its only been 2 months and it feels like a roller coaster to me. Life, sharing lives, love and growing old together.

as any two months in a relationship/marriage/living together, everything is crisplyNew, virginLike new.. rafek and i constantly joke on how before ething use to be so proper and sweet, you knw during the dating times...compared to now without the makeup, or the pants..hahaha...tho its only been two months, we both have gone thru the farting and burping stage (hwever i still announce it first before actually executing it...his is "silent yet deadly"attack....hahahaha)

these two months also was such a roller coaster, i found out i was pregnant early february.
that came as a shock for both of us. happy shock, of course..

in my condition, getting pregnant was the last thing on my mind
(my top list was of course, making lotsa money and quit my job..hahaha)

the doc predicted i was about 5 weeks pregnant (bunting pelamin as alot would say) and i was due end of september. We even joked of hoping the baby will come out on rafek's burfday (ok not hoping, more of like he wants to slow talk to the baby to come out on his burfday)...hahaha

so as a buzy mother-to-be, i bought all reading materials i could find to better educate myself on this becoming a mother phase. i even started my journal entitled "38 weeks or so", just to write down each and every moment that i will go thru.
psst, i've even had baby names all lined up. (nope not gonna tell..haha). i hope its normal for anyOne in my shoes, right?

7 weeks into my pregnancy, i went for my scanning, and the worst happend.
Like all 1 in every 5 women in Malaysia will face, probable miscarriage. my fetus did not show proper growing signs of a 7 week fetus. as the doc push in this scanning gadget, i could see the pouch (kantong) forming, but nothing inside.

i can never forget her words "the fetus is not showing any signs of growing, im suspecting it has stopped"

i didnt actually understand her words, i was just numb. as that scanning thing was still in my vagina, it took me about a minute to consume the fact that she is telling me the fetus is dead. my tears started to roll even as i was trying to leave the room, without my pants on.
thank god she stopped me before i ran out of the room.

she didnt want to do anything yet at that point, as she was hoping that it was all miscalculation. and so i had a week of hope. a week of miracle to happend. for 168 hours, i hoped. i prayed for a miracle.
i prayed that if this was meant to be a gift from Allah, that i will accept as it is, and that the docs will see the fetus growing,
as well as if it is fated that this is not the right time, with redha in my heart, insyallah i accept it as it was never meant to be..

and on my third scanning, this final scanning made it obvious that there were no growing activity, the doc confirmed that this was a miscarriage. i cried in numbness, in the arms of rafek by my side. whole heartedLy accepted the fate that this was not meant to be. i was scheduled for dnc the following day.

i couldnt sleep that nite, wasnt sure whether it was the fear of the procedure, or i hvnt actually came to terms that im about to lose my fetus. either way, the numbness just sanked deeper and deeper. the fear was real.

alhamdulilah today is the third day after the procedure, am doing fine and resting in buloh. my main aim now is to gain back my energy and prepare myself for wht ever rollerCoaster that heads our way. insyallah.

there's a lot to learn, blessings in disguise im sure. for all that has happend, Allah sure has things rolled up his sleeve for rafek and i.
amin.

still a daughter,as well a wife..

28th February 2008.

on my 29th burfday recently, i receive a very cute message from an old frend. it reads " growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional"

hahahaha.

i will be 30 in less than 12 months, and looking at the picture above, i must say, i still feel im that small gurl, all tucked up and proud to roam the streets with her abah close by.

Though lately its another man's hand that i am holding, i cant help but miss being abah's liltle gurl.

so here's to all them daddy's lil spoilt brat..oops i mean daddy's lil darling..hehehe.. CHEERS!

p/s: da lama tak memblog kan, so idea cam putus putus la. haha

curry